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Holiday Challenge: The Divided Self By Norman Fried

Like the changing of the guards, or the shifting pull of the tide, the force toward individuation and separation as the holidays draw near is a ritually marked and distinct event occurring in the lives of many of us. As a result, an unknown and unexpected archetype may move quickly to center stage, challenging our views of ourselves in relation to our family, and to the rest of our world. For underneath the excitement and bustle of readying for Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or New Years Eve, lies the dawning realization that we must take this next important step in our lives without our loved one by our side.

As mourners, getting through the holiday season requires the reconciliation of two competing, and natural, forces: The desire for joy and attachment to the festivities that lie ahead, and the powerful pull to remain connected to our past and to our sorrow. In the words of many Jungian psychologists, one “archetype” is ascending while another is descending.

For some of us who experience loss, the shift in identity is difficult, frightening and overwhelming. For all of us, the confident, and the uncertain alike, I offer some suggestions that may help to make the holiday season ahead more meaningful, and more tolerable:

1. Know Your Private Audience

Every one of us has a private group of friends and/or family members that, even when unavailable, hold a special place in our psyches and our hearts. When the holidays begin, and the stressors of facing joyous relatives and tackling painful rituals abound, quietly referring to our private audience provides us with much needed solace and support. Imagining what a close friend would say or do at a time like this, and embracing the realization that we are connected through our feelings, even though we may be apart, is an effective means by which we gain confidence and strength for the challenging days ahead.

2. Write a Letter

The writing of un-mailed letters and the telling of our story helps us to accept what is new and different in our lives without minimizing our loss. It is an intimate exercise that allows us to haul up our sorrow and our joy without having to hear the kind but unhelpful words of encouragement that well-meaning acquaintances mistakenly offer. It is a personal and intimate process in which our imagined reader is a beloved friend, a therapist or adored teacher, or simply ourselves. Telling our story in this manner offers us the boundless landscape of the empty page and the hope that, as it is filled; lessons for surviving the holidays ahead will be learned.

3. Reach Out to Others

Many of us who struggle with change often retreat inward and erroneously assume that others among us are feeling happier than we are. But when we share an intimate emotion with another person, we may likely find that they have similar fears or feelings. And bearing witness to another’s pain is a powerful way to strengthen ties between new friends, and it is an effective means for discovering that we are not alone.

4. Build a Therapeutic Alliance

Many psychotherapists and grief counselors, as well as clergy, are trained to help the bereaved during times of change, as in the holidays and other mileposts that are along the way. If events or feelings become too large to bear alone, a short-term therapy alliance can be extremely helpful.

5. Maintain Self-Care

We must all ask ourselves from time to time, “What leads us to feeling sad or uncertain, and what self-soothing techniques do we need to develop to feel better?” Regular physical activities, as in scheduled work-outs in the gym, or aerobic and cardiovascular exercise, are mandatory self-care techniques for many who feel overwhelmed by the stressors of the holidays. Not only are these good for muscles and blood flow, but they also enhance neuro-chemical activity in the brain which makes us feel emotionally stronger and more confident. Relaxation techniques and yoga exercises also provide the body and mind with much needed repair.

Following some or all of these suggestions can help make the shift from home life to “holiday life” more manageable; and it can ameliorate some of the stress that is related to the new identities and responsibilities that lie ahead.

Reach Dr. Norman Fried through his website, www.normanfried.com.

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