How Can I Find Relief?
From “A Time to Mourn, A Time to Dance”
Some people see the process of grief and healing as a journey through a gigantic maze. It feels like there may be many ways in, but the way out is well hidden and difficult to reach. There are seven key turns to successfully negotiate the maze of healing.
1) Having the experience. This is the entry point.
2) Owning the experience as a loss. This means not denying it, pretending it doesn’t hurt or minimizing its importance.
3) Willingness and readiness to walk the path of healing. The timing of healing is a very individual thing.
4) Hurting. There is no quick fix and no path that allows us to avoid the pain. We must face the pain and experience it.
5) Expressing and not repressing the hurt! That means finding a support system or a friend who is willing to let us experience and share our feelings. This isn’t always easy. Many times our family and friends want to fix it by finding us a shortcut. There are no shortcuts to grief.
6) Assessing and reevaluating ourselves and the situation. It may seem to delay our progress, but it’s a necessary part of healing. Early in grief it feels like we’ve never survive long enough to find the end of the maze. But then, somewhere down the path, we find ourselves having our first good belly laugh and feeling guilty about it. Later we may find ourselves laughing without even thinking about it or going the whole day without thinking about the pain. That’s because we are moving into the final stages of healing and nearing the end of the maze.
7) Learning to live with a redefinition of self. This final step requires finding ways to reinvest our emotional energy, rather than having all of our energy stuck in re-experiencing the loss. This takes place slowly over time. Expect successes but also setbacks and readjustments. There is no straight line of healing from loss. In fact, there are multiple routes, including dead ends and blind spots. There are detours that cause us to change direction often leaving us feeling lost and confused. Some of the potential detours take us through shock, denial and disbelief. Others may draw us into paths of anger, depression and despair. These dangerous detours can make us withdrawn and bitter – even destructive. If we can’t find a way to turn around and reconnect with the main path, this detour is a sign of complicated grief-grief that may need special attention. Ideally, in navigating the maze, we will learn much about ourselves. And we’ll leave the maze with a new depth of character-a new definition of self that prepares us to move into the future.
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